Summer

So it's summer. The summertime makes me sad. I'm well aware that my previous post here was bitching about the cold winter, but summer makes me sad in a different way. I guess i'm some kind of asshole who is never satisfied or can always find a reason to complain, but fuck it.

Yeah summer makes me sad in a different way than winter. It's warm and sunny out, there's a nice breeze blowing, the trees and flowers and grass are pretty and bright and green, it smells nice, scents of outdoor cooking or freshly cut grass or just the fresh air. But I can't feel any of it, and that makes me incredibly depressed. My DP/DR is off the charts, and I can't ever turn it off. I'm on some new meds that are supposed to be better for anxiety than the Prozac, but I can't say I see any improvement so far.

I think it's related to my anxiety, I first remember having it clearly a few years ago in my late teens when out shopping in a crowded plaza. I think it's some kind of weird defense mechanism, like you're freaking out about the crowds, but your brain creates this sort of filter, where it's not really happening to you, and you just sort of go with the flow and it doesn't affect you as much. It's not so good when you can't turn it off ever.

Even now as i'm typing these words i'm affected by it, my hands look/feel as if they are a third person's hands and i'm just viewing through their eyes a step or a few inches removed. The keyboard and text on the screen is perfectly sharp and focused, yet it seems somehow blurry and indistinct. My peripheral vision is likewise fine objectively, yet it's lacking that depth or vividness somehow. I have to be careful crossing roads when walking around in this fucked up dreamy state.

So yeah, i'm out walking around and I want to be enjoying the sunshine and trees, but I can't. It's not even a depression thing of "everything sucks and is pointless." I want to enjoy the day, but I physically can't. There's something blocking the sensations from actually hitting my brain. It's like going to a restaurant with a stuffed nose, you just don't get the full experience.

It also makes me sad because I really used to love summer, when I was a kid, or when I was in my mid teens having those ill-fated summer romances. I expect it's rose tinted glasses talking, but shit. I do need to get out there and connect with some actual people and try for those kind of experiences again, but I don't really know how.

I think I don't want to stay on these anti-depressants because I think they're probably making all this shit worse. Not that I didn't have these kind of numb feelings while off them, but it wasn't quite as constant, I sometimes had bursts of energy and happiness. But then I also dealt with stress very badly and felt kind of naked and too open to those horrible downswings too. What a fucking choice eh, live like a zombie or risk flying off either end of your mood and not being able to handle simple appointments without breaking down crying once home.

I wouldn't wish this shit on my worst enemy.

I lay on the wall
Look up at the sky
Colours seem to leach from my eyes
A pebble beach, a welcome breeze
Should feel something
Feel nothing
Thinking back to childhood days
This was my favourite time of the year

The late day sun bleeds heat
Sugar sweet
Birthdays and ice cream
Mud pies and water bombs
Super soaker street fights
Treetops and rope walks
Garden parties and summer dreams