Monday, July 08, 2013

These are hard times for dreamers

A hot July afternoon. It's 28 degrees of blinding bright sunshine out there, but inside, it's cool. The closed curtains flutter in the breeze as warm air blows through the open window, bringing in sounds of traffic, snippets of conversation, wailing sirens on the main road, echoing down the houses.

We see inside a decent sized sitting room, a boy at a computer screen, leant back in an office chair, features illuminated by a desk lamp and the white glow of the monitor. Scattered around him on the desk and on the floor are half-finished projects; a plastic model army, stacks of photographs waiting to be sorted, shoe boxes of trading cards awaiting some semblance of order. To his right is a bookshelf filled with sci fi novels and comic books, magazines stacked in binders leaning to its side.

He takes a swig of water from an oversized coffee mug, and wonders what to write next. His fingers dance across the keyboard, eyes half focused on the words appearing on screen, a vacant expression painting his features. He wonders how to put into words the thoughts and feelings flitting through his mind, how to describe the dull ache of ennui, the dissociation slowly driving him insane.

An amusing recollection of a thought occurs to him, a half baked imagining on how to explain the fuzzy state his senses and being seem to be trapped in. He recalls reading an article on gravity, how compared to the other forces it should be stronger than it is, how scientists were reaching for a theory to explain its relative weakness. One idea was that perhaps gravity was leaking away, perhaps through black holes, to an alternate universe as yet undiscovered, perhaps folded within and around our own, encased in undetectable strings and unnamed dimensions. He likes this theory. It tickles his mind as it lies in bed at night, spinning around and around like the celestial bodies on their ancient orbits.

Perhaps that's what's happening to him. Perhaps his consciousness is leaking away to another dimension or plane of reality, slowly ebbing away like air seeping out of the rubber of a blow up toy. He sometimes imagines, on a windy day, some invisible force leeching out of him, the wind whipping around his body and it not being strong enough to hold together, its outer layer drifting off like smoke from a bonfire, floating into the sky.

He wishes he could drift away to somewhere else. Away from here, away from this half dead state of dulled senses and sluggish body, sludgy blood slowly percolating round his veins like a clogged coffee filter. Or the other way, come back to life, swim up from underwater and break through the surface, as the sights and sounds come rushing to his senses, bright and crisp after their muffled submarine echoes.

But he can't. He's stuck here, wherever here is. Not really in this world, not really anywhere else. A ghost, drifting through the crowds, sunlight and chatter passing through and around him. A shadow of a man, an echo of a voice heard at dusk as the ghosts come to play.

Monday, June 03, 2013

Summer

So it's summer. The summertime makes me sad. I'm well aware that my previous post here was bitching about the cold winter, but summer makes me sad in a different way. I guess i'm some kind of asshole who is never satisfied or can always find a reason to complain, but fuck it.

Yeah summer makes me sad in a different way than winter. It's warm and sunny out, there's a nice breeze blowing, the trees and flowers and grass are pretty and bright and green, it smells nice, scents of outdoor cooking or freshly cut grass or just the fresh air. But I can't feel any of it, and that makes me incredibly depressed. My DP/DR is off the charts, and I can't ever turn it off. I'm on some new meds that are supposed to be better for anxiety than the Prozac, but I can't say I see any improvement so far.

I think it's related to my anxiety, I first remember having it clearly a few years ago in my late teens when out shopping in a crowded plaza. I think it's some kind of weird defense mechanism, like you're freaking out about the crowds, but your brain creates this sort of filter, where it's not really happening to you, and you just sort of go with the flow and it doesn't affect you as much. It's not so good when you can't turn it off ever.

Even now as i'm typing these words i'm affected by it, my hands look/feel as if they are a third person's hands and i'm just viewing through their eyes a step or a few inches removed. The keyboard and text on the screen is perfectly sharp and focused, yet it seems somehow blurry and indistinct. My peripheral vision is likewise fine objectively, yet it's lacking that depth or vividness somehow. I have to be careful crossing roads when walking around in this fucked up dreamy state.

So yeah, i'm out walking around and I want to be enjoying the sunshine and trees, but I can't. It's not even a depression thing of "everything sucks and is pointless." I want to enjoy the day, but I physically can't. There's something blocking the sensations from actually hitting my brain. It's like going to a restaurant with a stuffed nose, you just don't get the full experience.

It also makes me sad because I really used to love summer, when I was a kid, or when I was in my mid teens having those ill-fated summer romances. I expect it's rose tinted glasses talking, but shit. I do need to get out there and connect with some actual people and try for those kind of experiences again, but I don't really know how.

I think I don't want to stay on these anti-depressants because I think they're probably making all this shit worse. Not that I didn't have these kind of numb feelings while off them, but it wasn't quite as constant, I sometimes had bursts of energy and happiness. But then I also dealt with stress very badly and felt kind of naked and too open to those horrible downswings too. What a fucking choice eh, live like a zombie or risk flying off either end of your mood and not being able to handle simple appointments without breaking down crying once home.

I wouldn't wish this shit on my worst enemy.

I lay on the wall
Look up at the sky
Colours seem to leach from my eyes
A pebble beach, a welcome breeze
Should feel something
Feel nothing
Thinking back to childhood days
This was my favourite time of the year

The late day sun bleeds heat
Sugar sweet
Birthdays and ice cream
Mud pies and water bombs
Super soaker street fights
Treetops and rope walks
Garden parties and summer dreams