Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Dreams

I dream of falling. They may be idle thoughts now, merely horrific daydreams, but one solid minute of conviction and they could become reality.

It was some time past four am on a cold and blustery late October night as I lay in bed, unable to get comfortable, alternately too hot and too cold. I'd gone to visit my father for the weekend, out at his place on the edge of the Mendips, overlooking the cathedral town of Wells.
I'd fake-grinned and joked my way through a day of chit-chat and being around people that expected you to be a certain way, people that didn't want to know the truth. I hated myself for it, the way it was automatic now.

Asked how I was, I would reflexively grin and crack some bad joke. I used to do it when I was sixteen and trying to woo girls by being self-deprecating and ironic. It actually worked for that purpose back then. Now at twenty-six, as a screen to hide my true self, it just drained me and left me horribly depressed. One lunchtime of it left me hating myself, a whole weekend of it was almost unbearable and left me completely exhausted for the next week. I couldn't tell my father, or he wouldn't listen, to my true feelings. 

I've never slept well away from my own bed. I like it dead quiet and dark when trying to get to sleep, I like my bed and my sheets and my place. Even with those present, half the time my mind doesn't co-operate, as it decides that now is the perfect time to invent new worlds and realities inside its confines.

So I’m lying there, the wind howling and crashing against the house, when the thought pops into my head. You could jump off that cliff right now. You could get dressed against the biting wind, put on your boots, go outside, walk to the patio overlooking the valley, and jump. Nobody would be able to stop you.

Earlier I called these thoughts horrific daydreams, except they're not. Some part of my mind knows they should be that, but the idea is actually rather pleasing. I wouldn't even have to walk the miles along the Avon Gorge from my flat, climb up the steep cliffs and do it from there like I’d planned. I could walk out of the front door now, and end it right now. Not even five minutes and it would be over.

These thoughts aren't so laid out as this of course. Do I leave a suicide note? Simply: “I'm sorry dad.” No, that wouldn't do, would have to be three, one each for my mother, father and brother. Although leaving three seems a little conceited too.

Then come the doubts. What if I fuck it up? The cliff is high, but not perfectly vertical, the slope below covered in scrubby ash trees and dying bracken. What if they arrested my fall enough and I ended up only breaking a leg, or worse, snapping my neck but remaining alive. Paralysis, being trapped inside my mind, would truly be a fate worse than death.
But then what of life? Life hardly seems worth living right now. Still, I am alive, though every waking hour is only lived to distract myself from my own inner thoughts.

And yet, there is a spark of hope. A sputtering, pathetic imitation of a flame, only giving off enough light to bring the shadows into greater contrast. But maybe it's enough. Maybe tomorrow won't suck quite so much. I want to see another sunrise. I want to see what my life could turn out to be if it started going right.

I give up thinking and roll over, drawing the covers around my body as sleep finally claims me.

I dream of falling. Flying, for a few brief moments, feeling weightless, free. Free from myself, and free from this world. I look up at the stars, but I can't reach them. Maybe if I jump high enough, they will come to me.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Perfect Sense

Perfect Sense (2011) is a small-budget film directed by David Mackenzie, and starring Ewan McGregor and Eva Green. It tells the story of two lovers caught up in a worldwide epidemic of people gradually losing their senses, one by one.

Susan (Green) works as an epidemiologist, and comes to work one day to find a patient who has lost his sense of smell after having a nervous breakdown. Slowly, it starts happening to everyone across the world. Then over the course of the film, people lose their sense of taste, hearing and finally vision.
Michael (McGregor) works as a chef at a restaurant opposite Susan's flat. They slowly form a relationship, and the film explores that loss of the senses through them. The lovemaking scenes are quite good, they tenderly explore each other's bodies as the realisation dawns that they might lose more and more senses and to savour the experiences they have left.

The film is set in Glasgow, but has snapshots of Africa, Asia etc showing people around the world reacting to the disease, to give it a bit more of a global scale. A narrator interjects at points to describe what's happening. Some people online found the narration overbearing, but I quite liked it as it does give a sense of pathos to these scenes of people losing their minds and thinking that the world is ending.

But really the film focuses on the relationship of Susan and Michael. At first it's hesitant, then passionate yet tinged with sadness at the loss of the various senses. They are driven apart by a violent outburst from Michael before he loses another sense, but they reconcile at the end of the film, just as they both lose their vision and the screen fades to black.

It's a really poignant film, no grand adventure or action, but more a focusing on the smaller things- the little details. And of course in a film about losing the ability to sense those details, that works rather well. The cinematography is assured, with rusting dockyards, muddy estuaries, and a great sense of people's faces and acting. The scenes of how people compensate as they lose their senses, like making spicy or colourful food, or street performance art inviting people to remember smells of fields, are great. The sound editing when people lose their sense of hearing is also very well executed.

It's the kind of film that will make you think about what you take for granted in the world around you. The central performances by the two leads are brilliant, they imbue them with a real sense of character and the distress as this illness hits them is very well done. I hope more people will catch this on DVD, it's a quiet sort of film that won't appeal to some audiences, but taking the time to slow down and watch it for 90 minutes is well worth doing.


Tuesday, June 19, 2012

The rock

If you have a free summer's afternoon, there's a fun place you can go to in Bristol. Nobody knows it's there, except perhaps for some rock climbing engineers and noisy crows.

Walk along Cumberland Road, heading downriver towards the bridge. Cross over the old railway, and walk over the old iron latticework bridge. It's pitted and rusted, but it's in pretty good nick considering it's probably about a century old. Big chunky beams and rivets, painted grey and stained red-brown from the rust. Follow the path alongside the river, crossing under the Plimsoll swing bridge. There's a bench there with a really great view of the bridge, and across the river the houses of Hotwells and the des res manses up on the cliff.

But don't stop there. Keep walking, you will go past the police mounted and dog unit. Presently, you will pass under the beautiful bridge, suspended in the air hundreds of feet above your head. You can get a really great view of the underside of the bridge, with the criss-crossing supports underneath the roadway. You can also get a great look of the huge brickwork structure supporting the nearest end, and imagine the vaults and chambers within.

Keep walking, dodging puddles and cyclists and joggers. After about 20 minutes or so, you will come to a big landslide, with one huge boulder, and a series of smaller rocks and debris. Make sure no-one is coming, and climb over the rubble pile. There's a smooth section of exposed rock, probably caused by the landslide, but don't try and walk up this, instead go up up the little rocky path beside it. Gloves are useful to help with grip as you scramble up the slope. 

Now this is where it gets tricky. You used to be able to just carry on walking up to the spot, but they've put in a big chain link fence secured to the cliff face with bolts. What you have to do is hold on to the fence, and pull yourself across the top of the exposed rock face, and up to where the fence ends. Now all you have to do is squeeze past a few brambles, and sit and have a well deserved rest on the big flat rock up there. 

It looks kind of precarious, but actually it's totally solid and has been there for at least ten years that I know of, so it's unlikely to careen down the hillside with you sitting on it. Anyway, up here you have your lunch and ponder the world, while watching the cars stream past on the Portway below. The rock isn't really visible from the road, and there's plenty of foliage cover in the summer. It's so much fun to just watch the traffic and occasional people, and wonder why they never look up in your direction. I love it, it's got to be the most secluded and private place in the whole of the city. There isn't anyone around for half a mile and no-one knows you are there. It's a great place to go to when you feel overwhelmed by city living, and even one of the many parks isn't secluded and natural enough. You can sit up there on top of the world, and chill. I always feel great after doing this little adventure, though I don't do it that often.

Now as for getting back down, don't try and go back down the way you came. There's a path going further up towards the top of the cliff that's pretty easy to spot from the rock. Be careful going up there though, as it's a sheer drop down to another old quarry on the other side. Once you get up to the top, there's a path that winds back down towards the river, it's quite steep and hard work, especially if it's muddy. Or, you can go right and walk through Leigh Woods and come out at Ashton Court, then you just have to walk across the suspension bridge back to Clifton. It's pretty fun to see it from above and below in the same afternoon, using just your own two feet.

Make sure to enjoy the view, and keep a look out for the deer!

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Is the internet fucking me over?

This post by mememe on Zoklet clicked with me, and I wrote a response, but then I thought I could spin it out a bit further and make a blogpost out of it.

You know its funny you say that, i've been a total net addict for way over 7/8 years now. In that time i couldn't go anywhere for more than a day without thinking how i'll get online. But lately I find the internet so shit and boring i don't really give a fuck. I'm planning on heading down the coast in a month or so and i wasn't even gonna take my laptop with me. I don't even think i'll bother using it while i'm there to be honest, not much anyway. I'm gonna be camping and i'm not even fucked about how i'll charge it up or whether there'll be any signal or anything.

I'm much the same way. I've been addicted to it for so long, and it can be so interesting. But then you look around after a while and realise that you haven't got any friends or life left, you're fat from sitting on your ass all day long staring at a screen, and actually you didn't learn that much.

Dan Simmons said it pretty well in a recent article of his, we are the first generation of people raised almost entirely by glass teats. We never need to be without the internet if we want, we never have to have down time where we're out of our minds bored with nothing to do because we have no money and network tv sucks. Those times are needed because that's when creativity happens, like writing or learning to play an instrument, or exploring some woods or whatever the fuck. You can't do that if you can constantly replace human and physical interaction in the world with fake substitutes on the internet.

I feel like I could do something or create something decent if only I could stop checking forums or twitter or youtube or playing online games for five minutes. But I can't.

You know those people who do things like leave the tv on "for company" or can't get to sleep without it on in the background? I used to think they were sad cases, but actually I realised it's happened to me. I can't really go more than about a day or so without checking out what's happening on the internet, and I find it hard as fuck to sleep once the stimulation of the computer or music or tv is turned off. And when I go round to see my family, once the obvious avenues of conversation have been exhausted, I have pretty much nothing to say to them. After a while we inevitably turn on the tv, and have some food at 6 or so, and then I go home a couple of hours later. It's like, I met them, I spent time with them didn't I? But I always feel dissatisfied as fuck, and I realise I didn't actually spend time with them. We were just watching tv in the same room.

I mean in my childhood I didn't have the internet, we got it when I was about 12, in 1998, and then it was still dial-up. Didn't get broadband at home till 2006, when I was about 19. And thinking back, the time before I had constant ability to access the net seems like such a better time in my life. Is that coincidence? I don't know.

I have pretty much the same relationship to the internet as an alcoholic does to alcohol. One drink/checking of the internet and i'm gone down the hole for the night. I'm glad i'm not a drunk or a drug addict, those things never held much appeal to me. But honestly, I wonder if my internet addiction might be worse, because how the fuck do you avoid the internet in this day and age? It's everywhere, we use it for everything. For communication, both private and professional, for job hunting or finding a cinema, for shopping, for entertainment, for news, for reading; everything! At least if you're an alcoholic you can avoid bars and tell people about your addiction when they offer you a drink. How the fuck do you avoid the internet in 2012? Or 2020? Aside from going to live in a shack in the woods, which holds no appeal for me, and I would be terrible at, being the least practical person ever.

The answer is to get a job, right? Or find something that takes up my time and gets me off the computer for a few hours a day. Well like I said, the days of handing out paper CVs to random shops in the hope they will call you back are over. And with the amount of time i've spent on the computer the last five or six years, it's the only thing i'm good at. It's the only thing I know how to do.

And I have seriously almost nothing to do without my computer. I don't really have any friends, I don't have anywhere to go beyond walking for about an hour or so round the local part of my city. I can read or listen to music for a bit, but that gets old so fast.

I don't know how i'm supposed to do it. I want to sell or throw away my computer and see what happens. I've tried unplugging it, and that doesn't work. I've tried telling myself not to use it, and that doesn't work. I've tried watching films on DVD instead of downloading them for free off torrents, and that is expensive and I can't afford to do that, plus I order my goddamn DVDs from Amazon! I've tried setting up a process that automatically shuts down the computer at midnight, but I disabled it the second night afterwards because I wanted to stay up watching a movie. And like I said, I will need it to apply for jobs online.

And I need it to write my infrequent blogs that nobody reads, because scribbling shit down in my A4 notepad has even less use than this. But honestly, something has to change.

------------------------------------

For Christmas – just a little more than a month ago as I write this – my family gave me a brand new, cutting edge i-Pad 2. The thing is still in its shrink-wrapped box. I mean, what’s the use of opening it? Right after Christmas, word came out that a much-more-advanced  i-Pad3 was in the works, but anyone buying that cutting-edge version will be just as disappointed as I am now because – a surely as the sun rises in the east – a few months or weeks later, the i-Pad4 with SG9X or whatever will be driving the Apple-devotees over their purchase cliffs like so many white-ear-budded lemmings.

My overly mentioned-above pal Harlan Ellison had an alleged TV-criticism column in the Los Angeles Free Press from 1968 into the early 1970’s. I say “alleged TV-criticism column” because – as has been everything Harlan has ever written – the column was actually a cry of outrage at cultural trends and pretensions of the day. He gathered his early columns of TV/cultural criticism into a non-fiction book which he titled The Glass Teat. His second collection of such columns was titled – of course – The Other Glass Teat.

Born in 1934, Harlan wasn't raised on any Glass Teat – his daemons of choice were imagination-stimulating radio and motion pictures – but my generation (Wabash, ’70), while not born with the Glass Teat of television already in our mouths and brains, connected to it soon enough. By the time most of us were 7 or 8, on those Friday evenings when Dad was traveling on business, Mom would let us eat dinner on TV trays in front of Cheyenne and Rin Tin Tin.

Most of my generation was never weaned from the Glass Teat of TV, but in later years – even during college where Martindale Dorm had one lousy b&w TV in the basement, and it hauling in only 2 ½ channels – the demands of growing up, earning a living, graduate school, earning a living, marriage, earning a living, parenting, and earning a living, all combined to keep us away from our favorite and only Glass Teat of choice for days, months, or even years at a time.

Today, no one need ever to leave his or her Glass Teat behind for so much as a single moment of waking hours.

We commute to work chatting and texting on our cell phones with their increasingly busy screens that can stream TV so that our connection to this all-essential Ur-Glass-Teat not be interrupted, move to our desktop computer at work to check our Facebook page where we have hundreds of friends whom we’ve never met, haul our multiple laptops and now even more portable tablets when we need to be mobile (but still connected), and now we’ve begun getting our “books” almost solely via cheap little e-readers that have far more basic disadvantages – needing electricity, most aren’t readable in the dark, making marginal comments is difficult, older marginal comments by the book’s previous owners aren’t there – and very few of the advantages of even a modest paperback book.

Social critic Neil Postman died in 2003, but his predictions from even decades earlier of a truly technopolized society are no longer predictions; they’re our daily reality (sic).  Excuse me while I leap to Wikipedia –ah, here’s the information I wanted, elapsed search time 1.9 seconds – and I quote from the least-reliable quotable source on the planet (next to the Huffington Post):

In his 1992 book Technopoly: the Surrender of Culture to Technology, Postman defines “Technopoly” as a society which believes “the primary, if not the only, goal of human labor and thought is efficiency, that technical calculation is in all respects superior to human judgment ... and that the affairs of citizens are best guided and conducted by experts.”

Sound familiar in any way?

Postman was one of the few educational theorists or social critics who realized how profoundly undemocratic runaway technology combined with unrestricted capitalism can be. Who was it, exactly, who voted to make all our LP vinyl record collections obsolete --- not to mention the expensive turntables and “sound systems” we’d invested in to play those records? When was the democratic referendum held in which the majority of us voted to begin our lifelong music acquisition efforts from scratch again, first for CDs, then for burnable singles from i-Tunes (or someplace where we pay nothing because the artist’s work is stolen), now to stream to and through and from all our Glass Teats?

Postman understood the need for the “creative destruction” element of capitalism, augmented as it is through dizzying technological change, but he wasn’t ashamed to call himself a Luddite. That group fought to preserve their culture and the value of their (non-industrialized) work. And yes, it’s true that the etymology of sabotage leads back to the French word sabot (wooden shoe), but the story that it was skilled textile workers in France and the Low Countries throwing their wooden shoes to gum up the works of the automated looms that had replaced them which gave us “sabotage” just doesn’t hold up under etymological scrutiny. I wish it did. Rather, it goes back to sabot as in “walking loudly” or clumsily which leads to the real source for sabotage – saboter (to bungle something, to screw it up through clumsiness).

Postman’s identification with Lord Byron as a supporter of the doomed skilled textile-worker Luddites – the followers of a mythical, Robinhood-like Ned Ludd, who did sabotage their new automated, early- industrial-age looms – is an acknowledgment that each new technology, however ill-conceived or temporary, may bring a greater reality of damage to a culture than the technology might be worth. Neil Postman realized that the headlong rush to more and faster and shinier and more omnipresent Glass Teats in our lives would have dark consequences.

“Give us the name,” thousands of American parents might shout, “of the man or woman who put texting capabilities on a cell phone and then sold these machines to our sons and daughters who’ve just received their drivers’ licenses!”

If you invent and sell a non-osmotic semi-permeable crunch-enhancer for cereal (ala Chevy Chase in “Christmas Vacation”) and it poisons and kills thousands or tens of thousands of people, largely those under 21, someone or some corporation is going to be held responsible. There’s going to be hell to pay and that payment will begin in the tens of billions of dollars to the parents of the dead kids.

But cell phones alone used by drivers of cars – much less cell phones with texting capabilities – have already killed thousands of young people (and those of all ages whom they plow into on the highways) and will, despite draconian laws and punishments being proposed in all states, kill hundreds of thousands more. Couldn’t someone designing cell phones (especially with text capabilities ) have foreseen this highway carnage as young people and stupid people, already suffering from the human race’s worst Age of Constant Attention Deficits, lose what little driving attention they were able to muster in the first place? Oh, give us a name –we’ll take the whole design committee if you give us their names –and give us a gibbet!

Postman understood that Glass Teats – all Glass Teats – are not only the drug of choice for shallow people, but they are deadly treacherous as well. Like the 1207 “friends” I’ve accepted after being on Facebook for less than two months – about 7 of whom I’d recognize in person – context-free information flowing like botulized milk from all these Glass Teats creates a “comprehension field” that’s twenty-five thousand miles wide and one-millimeter deep.

Mostly, the gorilla-glass myriad of Glass Teats in 2012 will do what the Mother of All Glass Teats did in 1955; mostly, it will distract us from more important and more human thoughts and interactions.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Write something

I want to write something. I want to be a writer, but I don't know what to write about. All I can think about recently is how lonely and depressed I am.

Well actually, that's not strictly true. I'm not actually all that depressed at the moment for me, i'm just kind of in that neutral zone where I just kind of bimble along and try and do stuff, but my thoughts are inevitably vaguely and formlessly sad for no particular reason. I've been walking a lot more the last few days, listening to music on my Sansa, which is definitely better than sitting around the house the entire time, but it's also kind of ... ennyuuh. I can't put it into words. It's like... i'm reaching for something, reaching reaching but it's way out of my grasp. I want to run, and fly and take off, but i'm stuck here on the ground, on the earth, walking at the slow pace my shitty ankles will allow.

Listening to Slaves to Gravity, and thinking how it's such a shame that they split up, and what did happen there, because god damn is it good music. And I can't really believe that Tommy gave up and went to work in some stupid guitar shop after everything they've been through. If he can give up, someone as incredibly heartfelt and talented as him can throw in the towel, what hope is there for the rest of us? Walking along listening to Honesty, I have a picture in my mind of them playing the summer festivals to sold-out crowds and how perfect that would be, seeing them there rocking out in the open air, with my arms around a girl. Because of course, you can't have that fantasy without the image of having some gorgeous girlfriend to share it with.

It's been so long since i've had a girlfriend, it's ridiculous. I don't even want to say how long it has been, it's too embarassing. I've been stuck in my pit, in my hole in the ground for so long, i've gotten fat and depressed and useless, I feel embarassed when women even look at me on the street. They always seem to have some disapproving look on their face as well when I pass them, I don't know if it's just my imagination, but they always seem to look away or give me some withering, disapproving look. I mean yeah I get it, I am fat as shit and my hair is retarded and my clothes don't fit, but you don't need to look at me like a piece of dog shit on your shoes. You don't need to make me feel like never going outside again.
It helps having music going while this happens, cos I can lose myself in it a bit, and not care so much about what other people think of me, but I still feel so damn self-conscious. Even just walking past some ordinary person, like some random 50 year old man, i'm like where do I look, do I look at my feet, do I look across the road, do I avoid looking at their face, no don't want to look rude, do I look at their face, but I don't want to look like a weirdo or a perv, do I smile, no that would look forced... And this is like every time I pass a person on the street, so like hundreds of times per walking for an hour.

I can't really spend that much energy and effort on this shit, so what kind of happens instead is, that I sort of zone out, go into like a weird kind of state where i'm not really there. This is also pretty hard to explain, but like when i'm at home, things are mostly focused and real, like that book is there, there is the keyboard and mouse. But when I go outside, everything kind of takes on this weird quality like i'm looking at the outside world through a sheet of perspex. I'm there, and i'm seeing the things in front of me with my eyes, but i'm kind of detached from it, removed a couple of inches.

I'm walking out in the sun, what my dad calls a glorious day, blue sky- and I can't feel anything. Well again, it's that kind of reaching feeling, like I know what I should be feeling is up there, and I remember the taste of it, but I can't reach it. I sit down in the park and watch all the people on the grass, families and couples and groups of friends; and I feel so lonely and empty. I wish I had some friends to go to the park with on a spring sunday afternoon, but I don't know where to make friends or how to keep them. I should join some clubs or something, but most of the shit i'm into is populated mainly by awkward neckbeard teenagers. It's not that I feel like i'm above socialising with these kind of people, people like me, but it's just that I want to be around normal people for once. Not sitting in a tiny room above a comic shop playing Yugioh cards on a saturday, but out doing fun things, and things where there might be a possibility of meeting girls or something like that.

And also, I went to Yugioh tournaments for years, and I somehow never managed to convert those guys into friends that I would see outside of the shop. I'd go and it would be fun enough, and the people I knew were friendly, but once I went home for the day I wouldn't have any other contact with them. I don't know if it was me, or if it was just how it happens like that. Maybe I need to make more of an effort, meet up and go and see a movie with them after the tournament or something.

Sigh. I'm also pretty sick of living in this stupid flat, it's cold and depressing. And the neighbourhood sucks, admittedly you don't have to walk that far to reach a park or a nicer area, but the immediate surroundings just suck. Grimy and dirty and full of fucking junkies and drunks and cars and workmen digging up the road all the time. I want to live in a nice area like Redland or Bishopston, in a house with big windows that can let the sun in and warm up the room. I miss my room back at my mum's flat, what used to be home. I had the walls covered in posters and collages of pictures i'd taken and bits out of magazines, and all my books and magazines on my shelves. I'd lie in bed on a warm summer afternoon with the sun streaming in the windows, and listen to music or read. It really was glorious. But now when I go back there and lie in that bed, it isn't the same. The room is so empty, the bare walls with all the marks where the posters used to be and attempts at fixing the plaster. I've had three homes in my life (well four if you count my dad's), and every one seems to get worse. I have such amazing memories of the house I grew up in as a child, but they are very distant memories now. But the ones of the flat on Fernbank Road are still very accessible and recent, even though it's been like three years since I lived there. I'm sick of this shitty subterranean lair.

I don't know. Everything in the past does seem so much better, when you compare it to now, but I guess that's the rose-tinted glasses talking. I'm pretty sure I didn't feel good about things at the time.

Oh well, is this enough rambling yet? I guess so. Gonna play some Dawn of War or watch a movie.

Tell me, tell me straight
Are we gonna be alright?
Honestly