Well actually, that's not strictly true. I'm not actually all that depressed at the moment for me, i'm just kind of in that neutral zone where I just kind of bimble along and try and do stuff, but my thoughts are inevitably vaguely and formlessly sad for no particular reason. I've been walking a lot more the last few days, listening to music on my Sansa, which is definitely better than sitting around the house the entire time, but it's also kind of ... ennyuuh. I can't put it into words. It's like... i'm reaching for something, reaching reaching but it's way out of my grasp. I want to run, and fly and take off, but i'm stuck here on the ground, on the earth, walking at the slow pace my shitty ankles will allow.
Listening to Slaves to Gravity, and thinking how it's such a shame that they split up, and what did happen there, because god damn is it good music. And I can't really believe that Tommy gave up and went to work in some stupid guitar shop after everything they've been through. If he can give up, someone as incredibly heartfelt and talented as him can throw in the towel, what hope is there for the rest of us? Walking along listening to Honesty, I have a picture in my mind of them playing the summer festivals to sold-out crowds and how perfect that would be, seeing them there rocking out in the open air, with my arms around a girl. Because of course, you can't have that fantasy without the image of having some gorgeous girlfriend to share it with.
It's been so long since i've had a girlfriend, it's ridiculous. I don't even want to say how long it has been, it's too embarassing. I've been stuck in my pit, in my hole in the ground for so long, i've gotten fat and depressed and useless, I feel embarassed when women even look at me on the street. They always seem to have some disapproving look on their face as well when I pass them, I don't know if it's just my imagination, but they always seem to look away or give me some withering, disapproving look. I mean yeah I get it, I am fat as shit and my hair is retarded and my clothes don't fit, but you don't need to look at me like a piece of dog shit on your shoes. You don't need to make me feel like never going outside again.
It helps having music going while this happens, cos I can lose myself in it a bit, and not care so much about what other people think of me, but I still feel so damn self-conscious. Even just walking past some ordinary person, like some random 50 year old man, i'm like where do I look, do I look at my feet, do I look across the road, do I avoid looking at their face, no don't want to look rude, do I look at their face, but I don't want to look like a weirdo or a perv, do I smile, no that would look forced... And this is like every time I pass a person on the street, so like hundreds of times per walking for an hour.
I can't really spend that much energy and effort on this shit, so what kind of happens instead is, that I sort of zone out, go into like a weird kind of state where i'm not really there. This is also pretty hard to explain, but like when i'm at home, things are mostly focused and real, like that book is there, there is the keyboard and mouse. But when I go outside, everything kind of takes on this weird quality like i'm looking at the outside world through a sheet of perspex. I'm there, and i'm seeing the things in front of me with my eyes, but i'm kind of detached from it, removed a couple of inches.
I'm walking out in the sun, what my dad calls a glorious day, blue sky- and I can't feel anything. Well again, it's that kind of reaching feeling, like I know what I should be feeling is up there, and I remember the taste of it, but I can't reach it. I sit down in the park and watch all the people on the grass, families and couples and groups of friends; and I feel so lonely and empty. I wish I had some friends to go to the park with on a spring sunday afternoon, but I don't know where to make friends or how to keep them. I should join some clubs or something, but most of the shit i'm into is populated mainly by awkward neckbeard teenagers. It's not that I feel like i'm above socialising with these kind of people, people like me, but it's just that I want to be around normal people for once. Not sitting in a tiny room above a comic shop playing Yugioh cards on a saturday, but out doing fun things, and things where there might be a possibility of meeting girls or something like that.
And also, I went to Yugioh tournaments for years, and I somehow never managed to convert those guys into friends that I would see outside of the shop. I'd go and it would be fun enough, and the people I knew were friendly, but once I went home for the day I wouldn't have any other contact with them. I don't know if it was me, or if it was just how it happens like that. Maybe I need to make more of an effort, meet up and go and see a movie with them after the tournament or something.
Sigh. I'm also pretty sick of living in this stupid flat, it's cold and depressing. And the neighbourhood sucks, admittedly you don't have to walk that far to reach a park or a nicer area, but the immediate surroundings just suck. Grimy and dirty and full of fucking junkies and drunks and cars and workmen digging up the road all the time. I want to live in a nice area like Redland or Bishopston, in a house with big windows that can let the sun in and warm up the room. I miss my room back at my mum's flat, what used to be home. I had the walls covered in posters and collages of pictures i'd taken and bits out of magazines, and all my books and magazines on my shelves. I'd lie in bed on a warm summer afternoon with the sun streaming in the windows, and listen to music or read. It really was glorious. But now when I go back there and lie in that bed, it isn't the same. The room is so empty, the bare walls with all the marks where the posters used to be and attempts at fixing the plaster. I've had three homes in my life (well four if you count my dad's), and every one seems to get worse. I have such amazing memories of the house I grew up in as a child, but they are very distant memories now. But the ones of the flat on Fernbank Road are still very accessible and recent, even though it's been like three years since I lived there. I'm sick of this shitty subterranean lair.
I don't know. Everything in the past does seem so much better, when you compare it to now, but I guess that's the rose-tinted glasses talking. I'm pretty sure I didn't feel good about things at the time.
Oh well, is this enough rambling yet? I guess so. Gonna play some Dawn of War or watch a movie.
Tell me, tell me straight
Are we gonna be alright?
Honestly
